On being ... (un)wanted

By Ingrid Sapona

I’m not a hoarder but I do tend to hang on to things longer than some people might. But, when a decluttering wave hits, I do my best to ride it. This past spring a decent size clean-out wave hit me. It wasn’t monumental (the kind of thing you might do if you’re moving or downsizing), but it was different from the standard purge because there were some items that I went out of my way to donate to groups I thought would put them to good use. In other words, it wasn’t a matter of just dropping stuff off at Goodwill. 

Taking the time to consider who might need/want certain items helps motivate me to get rid of things. It also helps allay my concerns about simply adding to land fill in some poor country. So, for example, when I switched to an induction cooktop and none of my pots worked on the new stove, I gave my old pots to a charity that worked with refugee families. I liked the idea that the three big boxes of pots might have ended up helping a few families resettle. (As an aside, apparently the practice of donating specific types of used items to particular charity-run shops is standard practice in Scotland. In Edinburgh there are charity-run shops that have interesting specialties, for example, one that deals only in used furniture; another that carries used CDs, DVDs, and records; and one that specializes in second-hand wedding gowns!)

Anyway, I hadn’t really thought about my spring clean out until this week. I’m going away for a few weeks in November and I was thinking about the clothes I might take and how to optimize my packing. For half the trip I’ll be with a group and so I feel I need a bit more variety in my wardrobe than what I’d wear when traveling on my own. My plan is to vary my look by using scarves and necklaces to dress up different tops. With that in mind, I went through my closet with a view toward picking out some tops that I thought would go well with the accessories I have. The specific necklaces I had in mind were Mom’s — she never felt dressed unless she had a necklace on. 

Then I went to the drawer where I keep my scarves and jewelry. When I opened it, my heart sank as I realized that I had given away pretty much all of the costume jewelry. The void in the drawer where the necklaces sat untouched for years stung as I remembered feeling torn about giving them away. But, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, as Mom passed away more than five years ago and I hadn’t worn any of it. I took some solace from the fact that I had taken them to a place that provides clothing and accessories for women who need a work wardrobe. 

As silly as it sounds, I was upset for a good few days that my accessorizing plan was foiled. Yes, I realized that some in my predicament would just see it as a great excuse to go buy some new things. But I’m not much of a shopper and I know that if I bought things I wouldn’t normally wear, eventually I’d end up giving them away too. I chuckled that perhaps it’s just some perverse rule of the universe that dictates that as soon as you get rid of something you’ve kept for a LONG time — but not used for an even LONGER time — you’ll wish you still had it. That’s certainly how it felt.

But, in thinking more about it, I realize that maybe the lesson in this little incident is that the longer you hold onto stuff, the more attached you are to it, regardless of whether you ever use it. And so, maybe the best way of avoiding such remorse is to more routinely give away (recycle) things you don’t use.

 ©️ 2025 Ingrid Sapona

On being ... complimentary

By Ingrid Sapona

When I first started writing On being … I often found that once a topic came into my head for a column, I suddenly noticed it in all sorts of contexts. Of course, this isn’t unusual — it’s a type of cognitive bias related to selective attention. But still, I’m often surprised when it happens, as it did the past couple weeks when I considered a column on compliments.

So, first the story that made me think about writing this. It came to mind when one of the senior-most guys (I’ll call him Ted) at the lawn bowling club offered a compliment to someone at the end of a game. When I joined Ted was one of the folks who provided lessons to new bowlers. In our first lesson he made sure to tell us that he’s taken a number of lawn bowling coaching courses. The upshot of that is that he feels rather free to offer coaching advice — solicited and unsolicited — to those he’s playing with. He just can’t help himself. I’ve seen more than a few folks roll their eyes at Ted’s unsolicited help.

On a recent morning, Ted homed in on this one woman’s technique (I’ll call her Sue). He told her she was dropping her bowls rather than rolling them smoothly. During the course of the game, he made the same comment to her three or four times. Sue, an experienced bowler, took Ted’s running commentary in stride. She smiled and simply continued playing, making many impressive shots. Sue’s team won and during the end-of-the-game handshake, Ted went out of his way to compliment her. Or at least, he tried to. He said she made some fantastic shots “even though she kept dropping” her bowls. Ugh, I thought … I guess Ted doesn’t get that modifying praise with a negative kind of negates the compliment.

I’m sure Ted means well. Indeed, I’ve noticed he sometimes catches himself when he realizes others think he’s being overly intense or critical. And I think members are accepting of his quirks and critiques because it’s obvious he cares about the club and the game. But driving home, all I could think was that Ted could sure use some coaching in how to give a compliment!

A couple days after hearing Ted’s rather lame compliment, I saw a story by CBS’s Steve Hartman about a 9-year-old who knows how to give a compliment. Ethan Wargo of Sycamore, Illinois, has a stand where he gives out compliments to anyone who stops by. Ethan got the idea when he noticed that a character in a Mad Dog comic book set up an insult stand (it looks like Lucy’s psychiatric advice stand in Peanuts). He didn’t think an insult stand was a very nice idea but it inspired him to set up a compliment stand instead.

After Ethan’s Dad mentioned the stand on social media, people started coming by. Unlike Lucy, he doesn’t charge for his compliments — he just finds something nice to say to everyone who comes by. While Ethan’s folks were surprised when he came up with the idea, they’ve been even more surprised by the strong reactions people have had to the compliments. As for Ethan’s take on why people stop for a compliment is movingly straightforward: “it’s just heartwarming to them”, he says. So true…  and therein lies the magic of a real compliment.

Of course, compliments aren’t only flowing in Sycamore, Illinois these days. It would be hard not to notice the piles of compliments Trump’s cabinet have shovelled Trump’s way these many months. Mind you, I’ve yet to meet anyone who has seen footage of those cabinet meetings who doesn’t see them as what they are — mere shows of sycophancy.

For a two-minute master class in how to give a compliment, watch Ethan in action in Hartman’s report. I think you’ll agree that it’s not just what you say — it’s how unhesitatingly positive and loving you are that ensures the compliment recipient feels your respect, admiration, and affection. 

©️2025 Ingrid Sapona