On being ... complimentary

By Ingrid Sapona

When I first started writing On being … I often found that once a topic came into my head for a column, I suddenly noticed it in all sorts of contexts. Of course, this isn’t unusual — it’s a type of cognitive bias related to selective attention. But still, I’m often surprised when it happens, as it did the past couple weeks when I considered a column on compliments.

So, first the story that made me think about writing this. It came to mind when one of the senior-most guys (I’ll call him Ted) at the lawn bowling club offered a compliment to someone at the end of a game. When I joined Ted was one of the folks who provided lessons to new bowlers. In our first lesson he made sure to tell us that he’s taken a number of lawn bowling coaching courses. The upshot of that is that he feels rather free to offer coaching advice — solicited and unsolicited — to those he’s playing with. He just can’t help himself. I’ve seen more than a few folks roll their eyes at Ted’s unsolicited help.

On a recent morning, Ted homed in on this one woman’s technique (I’ll call her Sue). He told her she was dropping her bowls rather than rolling them smoothly. During the course of the game, he made the same comment to her three or four times. Sue, an experienced bowler, took Ted’s running commentary in stride. She smiled and simply continued playing, making many impressive shots. Sue’s team won and during the end-of-the-game handshake, Ted went out of his way to compliment her. Or at least, he tried to. He said she made some fantastic shots “even though she kept dropping” her bowls. Ugh, I thought … I guess Ted doesn’t get that modifying praise with a negative kind of negates the compliment.

I’m sure Ted means well. Indeed, I’ve noticed he sometimes catches himself when he realizes others think he’s being overly intense or critical. And I think members are accepting of his quirks and critiques because it’s obvious he cares about the club and the game. But driving home, all I could think was that Ted could sure use some coaching in how to give a compliment!

A couple days after hearing Ted’s rather lame compliment, I saw a story by CBS’s Steve Hartman about a 9-year-old who knows how to give a compliment. Ethan Wargo of Sycamore, Illinois, has a stand where he gives out compliments to anyone who stops by. Ethan got the idea when he noticed that a character in a Mad Dog comic book set up an insult stand (it looks like Lucy’s psychiatric advice stand in Peanuts). He didn’t think an insult stand was a very nice idea but it inspired him to set up a compliment stand instead.

After Ethan’s Dad mentioned the stand on social media, people started coming by. Unlike Lucy, he doesn’t charge for his compliments — he just finds something nice to say to everyone who comes by. While Ethan’s folks were surprised when he came up with the idea, they’ve been even more surprised by the strong reactions people have had to the compliments. As for Ethan’s take on why people stop for a compliment is movingly straightforward: “it’s just heartwarming to them”, he says. So true…  and therein lies the magic of a real compliment.

Of course, compliments aren’t only flowing in Sycamore, Illinois these days. It would be hard not to notice the piles of compliments Trump’s cabinet have shovelled Trump’s way these many months. Mind you, I’ve yet to meet anyone who has seen footage of those cabinet meetings who doesn’t see them as what they are — mere shows of sycophancy.

For a two-minute master class in how to give a compliment, watch Ethan in action in Hartman’s report. I think you’ll agree that it’s not just what you say — it’s how unhesitatingly positive and loving you are that ensures the compliment recipient feels your respect, admiration, and affection. 

©️2025 Ingrid Sapona