On being … well mannered
By Ingrid Sapona
I saw chefs Jeremiah Towers and Anthony Bourdain on a
morning news show a couple weeks ago. They were promoting Towers’ new
autobiography and a documentary about him that Bourdain executive produced. I knew
of Bourdain, but not Towers.
After the interview, I looked up Towers on my public library’s
website. When I typed in his name, up came two titles. I added my name to the waiting
list for his autobiography. The other book, Table Manners, was immediately available in an audio version. I
love audio books, so I downloaded it.
The next day at the gym, I started listening. Perhaps I
shouldn’t admit this, but I was surprised that the book’s about – well – table manners.
I realized this when Towers, who narrates the audio edition, said the full
title: Table Manners: How to Behave in
the Modern World and Why Bother. When I checked out the book, the title on
the thumbnail picture was hard to read.
Once I realized the subject, my next thought was: “I wonder
how old the book is?” In an age where disruption is a virtue and in a culture where
rights of the individual trump the collective good, who writes about manners
these days? As unbelievable as it seems, the book was published in 2016.
Well, Towers had me hooked from the dedication: “… to anyone
else who is interested in how to behave to everyone’s advantage.” In the Introduction
he makes it clear that manners are not a rigid set of rules. He says manners are
continually – and should be – adapted. He also addresses the claim that paying
attention to manners is mere pretention. To this he says, “The whole point of
manners, especially table manners, is the opposite of pretension … when any
behavior makes other people feel uncomfortable, it’s the behaviour that needs
to change, not the people.” Too true, I
think.
I love that the book focuses on the purpose of manners. I always find that if I understand the purpose or
rationale for something, it’s much easier for me to accept it and remember it. Clearly, Towers subscribes
to this belief too. The book is replete with amusing anecdotes that illustrate
how to handle various awkward situations so as to forward what he terms “The Platinum
Rule”, which is: “do unto others as they would have you do.”
For example, he notes that often the first question someone
asks the stranger sitting next to them at a dinner party is: “What do you do?”
While that’s a perfectly normal question, Towers points out that it often invites
a monolog and can kill conversation. But, that’s clearly not the worst of it. He
learned his lesson the hard way when he asked this of a forensic pathologist he
was seated next to at a dinner. Just as guests were about to dig into red,
bloody roast beef, the pathologist relayed a story about a case involving a
serial killer with a fascination for crucifixions. Towers concluded the story
with the understatement: “some were quite put off the meal”. On the topic of conversation starters, Towers’
imminently practical advice is to pick a topic that will allow both of you to
contribute.
On things like cell phones at the dining table, Towers
believes that technological changes shouldn’t be used as an excuse for bad
manners. Stressing that good manners are about making others feel welcome and
valued, he explains, “It’s not so much checking your e-mail that’s rude; it’s
the fact that you’ve ceased paying attention to those with whom you are
breaking bread.” Hear- hear, I say!
Everything Towers’ wrote about hit home with me (though I
don’t know if I’d ever eat asparagus with my fingers in front of others, which
he thinks is fine). So, from Chapter 1 I knew I’d make manners the topic for a
column. But, as I always do, I worried about whether my readers would find the
topic relevant today.
Then on Wednesday, an announcement by Uber about a change it’s
made caught my eye. Uber has always “invited” riders and drivers to rate the
ride experience, but there’s been more stress on riders rating drivers. Wednesday’s
announcement was that Uber has modified its app so that now the rider’s rating is
automatically displayed, under the rider’s name on the app’s menu. A
less-than-subtle reminder to riders that both rider and driver play a role in the
ride experience.
Uber explained that the reason for the change was to “encourage
better rider behaviour” because, “… Uber is better for all when both drivers and riders do their part”. Interesting, eh? Sounds like a variation
on Towers’ theme that, “… manners are a two-way street – it’s up to everyone to
keep things running smoothly.”
So, maybe there’s hope. Maybe the pendulum is swinging back
and folks are once again realizing the societal value of manners. Maybe we’ll
see more books and articles on the topic and maybe technology can be harnessed
to encourage better manners – just the way it has been used to encourage
fitness.
Just think how much nicer daily life would be if everyone
took Towers’ Platinum Rule to heart. I say: Here’s to better manners – at the
table, in the taxi, in the check-out line at the grocery store, and every other
place where people interact.
© 2017 Ingrid Sapona
posted by Ingrid Sapona at 5:00 AM
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