On being ... relatable

By Ingrid Sapona 

More than I care to admit, I find myself in conversations or situations where I feel that I’m just different from everyone else. Sometimes it has to do with “shared experiences” that I’ve not shared. For example, I’ve never been married – so I’ve never had a wedding. It’s not the being single part that makes me feel removed. It’s the way so many women go on-and-on about weddings, starting with descriptions of their hunt for their dream dress. (How else do you explain shows like Say Yes to the Dress.) The fact is, I never dreamt about my wedding or envisioned myself in a certain kind of gown (mermaid or otherwise). 

Then there are the assumptions about what girls read growing up. No Little Women or Pride and Prejudice for me. My passing knowledge of such stories came from movies. And, even after becoming familiar with them, I never saw myself in any of the characters, much less the stodgy manners of the day. 

The same with the topic of kids. When it comes up (and it does throughout one’s life – not just during the child bearing years) all I can say is that I really never gave it a thought. I wasn’t passionately in favour OR opposed – I just figured I’d see what happens. The response I get when I speak about what must sound to others as a laissez-faire outlook has definitely made me feel I’m out of step with the mainstream. Doesn’t bother me, mind you, but it often seems to provoke skepticism. 

And then there are the conversations where someone says, “Well, we’ve all been there before…” and then others around are all nodding their heads in agreement. Honestly, even when I’m with a group of people I have something in common with – say we’ve all practiced law or are all sailors, or whatever – I often find myself silently thinking, “Um, no, I can’t relate to that.” Maybe I’m not alone in thinking that, but it sure feels that way. 

Conclusions media types often draw regarding events is another area where I often find myself scratching my head thinking, “That’s not how I see it”. The very first example of this that I remember goes back to the 2004 U.S. presidential race. That year Dr. Howard Dean, who was the governor of Vermont, was seeking the Democratic nomination. Initially he was a long-shot, but he became the top fundraiser and a front-runner. He finished in third place in the Iowa caucus, however, which was clearly a disappointment to him and his supporters. But what ended up costing him the most that night was a very hoarse “Yeah!” he shouted at the end of a speech. I remembered seeing that and thinking, “Oh, the poor guy sounds so hoarse and looks so tired”. Well, the next day the media buzz was far more negative. The media branded it “the Dean scream” and it became the “gaffe” that some think cost him the election. I didn’t see the incident that way at all! 

Indeed, the flip side of feeling so different is that I am loath to generalize. For example, from time-to-time one of my sisters will ask me, “So how do Canadians feel about [fill in the blank]?” I’m always stymied by such queries. The best I can offer is a vague response. I explain some of the different viewpoints that I’ve heard, rather than assuming my fellow Canadians’ reactions are all similar. 

Since few weeks go by without my coming across something that makes me shake my head at how little I feel I have common with others, I’m accustomed to it. But the other day I experienced just the opposite – I read something that I could totally relate to. It was among a batch of funnies a friend emailed me. Though there were lots of jokes and cartoons in the email that made me laugh, one hit squarely on a behaviour of mine that I’ve never thought others might relate to. Here’s the humorous statement that took me aback: 

"One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an adult is how much time we debate keeping a carboard box because it’s, you know … a really good box." 

I so saw myself in that, as I have long known I’ve got a box fetish. But, it’s not something that comes up often in conversation, so I’ve always assumed it’s not a common attraction. Anyway, reading that joke made me realize there must be others out there that are at least a little like me, which was a delight! 

Though it may sound like a leap, this revelation made me think about trying to focus a bit more on things I might have in common with others, rather than just noticing the differences. Who knows, if we all tried that, the effort might be a small step toward combating polarization. Certainly couldn’t hurt, I figure… 

© 2024 Ingrid Sapona